they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
