In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
