I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We need to rekindle our bromance
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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