The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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