She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
