tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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