Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
