His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
