Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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