he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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