Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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