if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
