How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
