i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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