i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
