when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
