hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
