If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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