just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
