i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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