I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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