He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
God I need to hump something, right now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
