i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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