I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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