Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
