i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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