I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
