Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
