My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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