So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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