I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize