After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
