We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
