God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
