At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
