We named our party play list daddy issues
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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