A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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