Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
