OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
