he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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