Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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