don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
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