i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
