You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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