somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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