Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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