Barsexuality is the new black.
Ketchup is God's man juice
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
