What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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