I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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