Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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