the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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