I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Who died my cat blue again?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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