I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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