Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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