The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
