Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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