just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
