i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
