he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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